1 – People who point at their wrist asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 – Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly. –
3 – Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
4 – Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
5 – People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
6 – If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.
7 – I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt.
8 – I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.
9 – My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
10 – They call it “fell asleep” but it should be more like “entered a mental state of regeneration.
11 – When something is ‘new and improved’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
12 – Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.
13 – When people say “life is short”. What the hell ??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer ?
14 – Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.